The Prince Charming Problem

There is a pretty constant discussion on social media in general and the Catholic blogosphere in particular about the flight from marriage among young people. A subset of that discussion came up in a recent tweet, where discussants debated whether a woman who has reached 30 and not found her “ideal” will have to “settle” for an “average” guy.

I know that such “discussions” are tilted clickbait, intended to elicit barbed comments. I, rather, want to go back to a different problem. The National Marriage Project, whose research on marriage trends is far more valuable than much of the babble either the never-ending Synod groups or Pontifical Academy for Life assembles, hit this nail on the head over 20 years ago in a report: “Who Wants to Marry a Soul Mate?” It warned that, especially among but not limited to young women, there was a growing phenomenon of imagining there is somebody out there who would fulfill one’s every wish and dream, provide total emotional succor, and bring utter contentment to one’s life.

The “soul mate” ideal of marriage was going strong a few years ago, and, honestly, it probably still continues to coast along in people’s—especially young women’s—minds. It would be interesting, however, to see updated social science data as to whether despair about finding that “soul mate” has fueled the flight from marriage.

Consider, after all, Disney’s reboot of Snow White. I haven’t seen it, but the “re-visioning” of what Rachel Zegler called its “dated” tale centers on a heroine convinced of her own powers, without needing that guy.

No human being is, of course, going to be that total and comprehensive “perfect” match. To expect that is to set you and the other up for failure. Even the best of couples will disagree. Also implicit in the “soul mate” vision is the expectation not that I should be the “soul mate” of another but that what determines the propriety of the match is whether the other fulfills me. Not getting out of that egocentric focus will poison any relationship.

Consider the very terms of the discussion: Will I “settle?” Neo-Protagorean women seem to think they are “the measure of all things,” another misleading perception likely to leave them—contrary to their real desires—unfulfilled. Pace Zegler’s “update,” one finds one’s self by losing, not tightly clinging to, one’s self.

These are basic truths of Catholic marriage theology that the world desperately needs to hear and ponder if it is to get out of the suicidal, egocentrically focused mindset that is destroying the formation of marriages and young families. This is where the communion, participation, and mission focus of the Church belongs, not self-referential talk.

There are hooks to be found in our American culture. I recommended Marty as a Valentine’s Day film. It’s about an average-looking Italian Catholic working-class guy who’s entered his 30s, wants to get married, but hasn’t found the girl—until he meets an “average” Irish Catholic woman equally looking for love.

Thirteen years ago, I also asked: “Do you want to marry George Bailey or Prince Charming?” Because “soul-mate” marriage is looking for Prince Charming, a creature so rare Snow Zegler White replaces him with Girl Boss (and, in a few years, likely a litter of cats). Though it’s thought of as a “Christmas movie,” It’s a Wonderful Life has a broader perspective and, in many ways, is amazingly modern.

George Bailey is also an “average” guy. Initially, it might seem he is without ambition: He still lives at Ma Bailey’s. He hasn’t gotten a college degree. Mary, whom he’ll marry, has. Should she “settle” for him? Or Sam Wainwright? George couldn’t afford a McMansion. He gave Mary a fixer-upper that—given the staircase railing finial that keeps detaching—is more fixer than upper.

Is the question—for the Baileys and for moderns—one of “settling”? Or, rather, how one defines “Prince Charming”?

This originally appeared on Crisis Magazine.

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